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| 0521 01/01/10
Im at my lowest right now. I have soo many things runnin in n
out of my head, its soo hard for me to focus and vent. Mom, I miss u soo
much. I need you more than ever right now. Please, give me strength and
guidance. I need u. Things would be soo much easier if u were still with
us. Like my brother, I find my self getting pissed off fairly easily, I
start hitting things and yelling terrible things and No, im not blaming
you for that, its just soo ridiculously hard without u. Nothing has
ever been the same since u left. Chirstmas isn't the same, New year's
isn't the same, NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING at all feels the same. Im
trying to be strong without u, but a person could only hold it in for
soo long. Mom, please, Give me strength, Give me guidance, Give me
anything and everything u got. I love you, and I miss u dearly...
Baby,(or would probably now prefer) Arlaine, I just wanna let u
know that I miss u and that I need you. But as like I said in my last
entry, I feel like I've lost you. I need you more than ever right now. I
know I fucked up, and I know watever im going through right now I
deserve, but I feel like ur kicking me as im down. Sure, ur letting
karma take its toll, but I feel like ur adding insult to injury. I know
I fucked up. Believe me, I fully understand now. But Please, Im in my
darkest hour and ur with HIM doing God knows wat. U know, I've been with
u for 3 years of ur life, I've got u through highschool, we've argued
about almost everything and anything imaginable, been through Hell and
back. But then u meet this guy, And u've known him for less than half a
year, and he gets u through less than a handful of bad times and ud
rather spend ur birthday with him? ud rather spend NewYears with him? Do
u have any idea how much that fuckin hurts me? How stupid and foolish u
make me feel? I can't even begin to stress enough about how I feel or
how that hurst me. I feel like nothing, I AM nothing, to you and to you
only. U make feel like I've NEVER made u happy, like I was never a
benefit in ur life. U know, we're a couple, we fight and then we work
shit out. Tell me, What makes him soo appealing to you that makes u
completely forget about me? please, Im dying inside and im anxious to
know. I really need u. But ur out spending time with him and his family.
You have no Idea, absoultely no idea how I feel or wat im going through
right now. You completely abandoned me, In every sense of the word, in
every meaning of the phrase. I mean, even when I fucked up I was still
around. Sure, we didn't talk, but u knew that I was only a phone call
away. But for me, U completely cut me off from ur life. No calls, No
txts, No Nothing. I feel like a complete idiot, calling u, txting u,
leaving u a voicemessage saying " I wish u were here, happy new year, I
love you, I miss you" only to later find out that your spending new year
with him and his family. Congrats, Im ur #1 fool. Im soo confused, u
promised me that ud spend new years with me. I actually thought I was
gonna see u. I was hoping ud be there next to me as we counted down to
zero. But no, U were with him. Just thinking about u with him makes me
utterly angry. Ther thought of him makes me wanna dismantle his face.
But who am I kidding. He's obviously far more fun and important than me,
and I mean that with no sarcasim intended. Because I realize that u
spending time with him can only mean that ur having fun and he's making
u happy. I have soo much I want to ask u, I need soo much clarity from
you, but my head is soo full of it that I can't even begin to process
all of it to this fucking note. There's soo much I can do to get back at
him. I can beat the living shit out of him, I can take a bat to his
face, I can send people on him, I can slash his tires, I can get at his
ex. There's soo much I want to do, soo much im capable of, but I won't,
Because ud probably hate me Even More and id probably be digging myself
into a deeper hole.
As for you, You cannot imagine wat kind of terrible things I
can do to u. Ur soo fuckin completely clueless. Ur soo lucky I dnt know
where u live. I want you. I want you soo bad, it scares me. I wanna
break every bone in ur body.I wanna make ur life a living hell. I wanna
make u wish u were dead. But im not, Im bigger than that, Im BIGGER than
YOU. Im more of a man than you'll ever be. You fuckin faggit. You know,
if u ever "knew how I felt" about my relationship with her, ud stay away
from her. U know how I feel about u, u know how much I hate you, and u
still wouldn't stay away. Just because ur relationship failed like shit
doesn't mean u gotta fuck up mine. My ass u know how I feel. If u
supposedly knew how I felt, ud voluntarily back off, like a "friend" is
supposed to, But obviously u dnt care about my relationship with her.
Soo now, its personal. Im taking this one close to the chest. Because of
you, My Wife doesn't love me, Because of you, She hates me, Because of
you, She no longer wants me. Yeah, I know Part of this is my fault but u
best hold ur tounge if u think ur getting off clean. Answer this, how
would u like it if Tiff slept over my house? If she builded a bond with
my family? If she spent more time with me than u? If we had little
nicknames for eachother? If she would spend time with me and lie to u
about it? If she would take my side if u had a problem with me? If she
spent her birthday with me? if she spent New years with me? If she
stopped calling or txting u because of me? if she cut u off completely?
Tell me, would u like that? If u had any idea watsofuckingever about my
postion, ud totally agree, ud hate urself too. Don't get it fucking
twisted boy.
And if u think this is a lot, this is NOT even HALF of wat I feel. I
have soo much more to say, but I can't even get it down to this note.
This is only 3 hours of me venting to my phone. U can't imagine wats
going through my head right now...
This is only the beginning, one of many vents to myself about this one issue... | | |
| 0901 You know, Im sorry. I really am. I honestly dont know where to begin on how to express my feelings towards you. What would you want me to do to show you how sorry i am? a big blimp? a poster on a wall? my own blood? Ill do anything for you to know how sorry i am. IM SORRY. Please forgive me. I know im not a perfect boyfriend. Hell, Im not a perfect person. Im human. I hope u understand that. People make mistakes. And the way i see it, You cant see it. You just ignore me, No calls, no texts, no NOTHING. And its really sad. It hurts soo much. Because i miss you soo much. You have no idea how much i miss you. You WERE all i had in this world to keep me sane besides my mom. I hate how u can never get back to me. I hate how you always say that i dnt care when im the one calling, txting you everynight, worried, scared, nervous. Please dont tell me that i dont care. Please, take a second to realize the postion ur in right now. Realize that you have the power to call me and let me know that your ok, or anything. There is soo much you can do but you dont. I know i did u wrong at times, but dnt ever think that you have a clean slate. Youve done me wrong as much times as i have, probably more. But im not here to compare and contrast on who got it the worst. The point is that im here, waiting on you. While your having the time of your life, being careless and doing watever you want.You have EXACTLY no clue watsoever wat position u put me in. And all you could say is "Now you know how it feels." That doesnt make you any better than me. Your just kicking me while im down. Instead of helping me, ur against me, Laughing at me, Cussing me out, Making me feel like a complete jackass. It feels like ive lost you forever, NO, I have lost you foever. Your no longer mine to keep, I no longer have possesion of your heart. Your a whole nother person. A person who doesnt have time for me, A person who doesnt care about my feelings.You say that you have no time fore me but ur out partying, doing ur own thing, seeing and catching up with friends or watever. You know, Im sorry for EVERYTHING. For all the pain ive caused you. Im sorry i was never there for you. But, it looks like you moved on. But i understand. I mean, who would want to stick to a guy like me? I dnt blame you. Not one bit. There are alot of guys out there who would be a perfect match for you. I feel like a fool for having you stay with me. I just wanna say sorry for bringing you down. Every bad thing thats happening to me right now is wat I deserve.But please, dont make this anymore harder than it already is. Just admit to me you dont love me anymore so i could stop lying to myself thinking that ill get a call or anything from you. I know i caused you pain, but please dont take this as revenge. Enough shit has happend to me already. But if u feel otherwise, Feel free to yell and send me txt messages saying "fuck you and eat shit." Who am i kidding, Throw all the insults you want at me, Abuse me in everyway possible if u like, because that would jst be the icing on the cake. I wish i can talk to you without you giving me your attitiude or your harsh comments. I know your stressed, but that doesnt mean you can be a complete bitch. Everyone gets stressed, its all about how u handle it. I know ur situation, believe me, i know more about ur situation than that fuckin faggit, or anyone else youve been venting to for the last 3 years. Youve been through worse. But, like i said, who am i to tell you otherwise.. im not your father, or your boyfriend, i never was in mind. I just hope know that ur happy without me because im on the other end hoping, waiting, for you to comeback to me. But please dont ever forget who got u throught these past 3 years. Plz just let me know that your letting me go instead of me hanging on a thread. Please dont wait to put me down because now couldnt be a better time... Now ive got nothing to lose. | | |
| 0124 Hello Xanga, Long time no blog. Well, ill keep this short and simple, FM. I feel like giving up. Im gonna lose you to some fuckin Fuck Face, I know it and i feel like theres nothing i can do but jst stand there and wait for it to happen... Jst do it already. Soo i can beat his face in... FM. But you know wat? i dnt blame you... | | |
| 0340 Anthony Green- She Loves Me So.... _______________________________________________________________________________________ "Make sure all those motherfuckin boys know..." | | |
| 0240 I hate how im feeling right now. I feel as if karma has finally hit me. I look back, and im in awe, I can't believe I said and done those
things to her. But then again, I said and done those things because I now
realize that i wasn't talking to her, I was talking to someone else. She was and still is not the same girl I fell in love with. I care soo much about her
and most of all,i miss her. She's played a big part in my life. I know I can talk shit and
say all this shit, but I know that no matter what, I'll still love her. Heh, Now i feel like the fake one. The feelings I feel are soo negative that they
are really hard to explain and/or express. Id sound pretty crazy if I
even tried explaining it. I dnt give a fuck wat they say about u or me.
Fuck them. I love you and I miss you. But things right now are too much
for any of us. U are a totally diffrent person. A stranger, a stranger
who needs to grow up and stop acting like a fuckin child. Im not trying to
give false hope but, hopefully in the future we can start all over or
get back to where we left off, which ever u prefer. If faith or God has
that in mind for me or u, good, but for now, u and me need to find ourselves. I just had to get this down on a note cuz I feel its gonna keep me from going insane. This is the only thing that's keeping me from doing something really foolish. I deserve to be alone. I hate myself... ___________________________________________________________________________________________
"If you allow something soo unnecessary get you down, there no one else
to blame. I need some thing stronger, something extra strength..." | | |
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